i'm drowning. i'm outta control and i'm drowning. nothing is safe, sacred or in my control. i am helpless, useless and worthless.

do you think that this is some sort of pity party? well..it isn't. just a pathetic declaration of emotion atm. I'm just trying to cope. I'm just trying to make it through the days until i can have the solace of sleep.

This early morning isn't so bad. it's quiet, the kids are asleep. My nephew is here right now, the young one. he's asleep in the playpen. Everything is falling apart. I feel like i'm drifting off into space all over again. She keeps coming to me for advice. I listen, offer my thoughts, jokes or mean comments..it's all i know how to do. But I feel my own pain again--i thought i was through with this.