davanita

She has been running for years, for years and years and years. Her tattered dress stained from all the years of hard work and heartache. Time to slow down, time to confront and repair. Running has always felt good, it's been easy. The escape of emotionally shutting down and remaining self-contained for such a period of time has not been without its repercussions. Now she lacks an openness that she wishes to give to someone. Her inadequacy in expression leaves her feeling less than herself, less than she'd like to give to her lover. Her emotional hibernation has left her wondering how to give more of herself as she remains wrapped up in a cloak.

He stands before her, with a glowing brightness she has never seen for herself. Sure, she has seen a similar glow on others - but this time it's for her. He wraps her in his warm glowing aura; when he departs she becomes cold again - she retreats to the confining safety of her cloak where it still remains a comfort to be able to hide inside of herself. Still fearful to always let herself shine through.
He is a perfect mix of strength and sensitivity. A fierce and protective solider and yet a gentle and romantic partner. A partner, she has never had a partner before; this is new. His hands strong with the labor of handwork and smooth enough to offer a loving touch. He is sincerity, he exudes it as if the origins of sincerity permeate from him; his candor is intrinsic. He gives of himself wholly, no attempt to placate her with giving just "enough" of himself. She envies his ability to breathe veracity. She was once known for her straightforwardness.

The co-mingling of their souls could very well appear as though the pair is severely mismatched, perhaps from the surface if you take them separately. The combination of the two is like combining ingredients to prepare a delicate recipe; that is their love. Their passion is more like the eruption of a chemistry experiment.

When the warmth of his gaze falls upon her, the overbearing and looming oppression of the world is instantly banished. She can feel his soul reaching into hers and making a soft and powerful connection.

(tbc)

change

Have you ever known someone that changed? Someone whose character and personality you thought were defined - a done deal? Witnessing a metamorphosis can be life altering and traumatic, with varying factors. I know that it had derailed my life. The return to life as we know it has been a struggle for me. I still have some side effects from witnessing the death of someone I once loved. Mind you, this is just a metaphorical death -- but still painful all the same. Some days I am so pleased to be away from that, some days I am angry and resentful still. Mostly at myself, although I have no idea how I could have prevented it. After all, I am incredibly happy now -- I wouldn't want my life any other way. As I said in the previous blog I feel like I am waking up from sort of daze.

I feel like there are only a few certainties in my life. I have the most wonderful man that I am proud to call my boyfriend. Shaun is amazing. He has been so accepting of all the weird mental stuff I have been going through. He loves me like no one ever has. I love him like I have no one. My Children, my boys. Their bright eyes gazing upon me -- and sometimes I have a clue. Music, music is always there for me - always has been. My first love, most true and dependable confidant. In world where people let you down and disappoint, there is always an album to comfort you.

What about personal change? We all grow and sometimes even shrink inside. This personal transformation is just as traumatizing to those around us, as it is to us when we are the witness. It's nothing to be ashamed of, although some will try to press guilt against our hearts."You've changed", is spat with a disgust in the face of the one who is experiencing the variance. What shall I do? How do I grease the wheels to make the path of least resistance? Does anyone have the key to this rusty lock? I sure as hell would love it.

Renaissance: renewing, reawakening, revival. This is what I feel on the cusp of, a new beginning. And perhaps, a return to the old in some ways. I feel like I am on the edge of a breakthrough. Yet, I don't know how to explain this sensation. Are there no words to express this unusual side effect of growth. I fear to ask this, shall I remain the stagnant state of which I am escaping? I find the answer obvious and quite easy, a resounding 'NO' is in order.

so here I am, just another amongst the rest of you - the disillusioned masses. A former battered wife, a domestic abuse survivor, just trying to reclaim myself. I'm just trying to find who I am, where I am going. Maybe I should be more focused on the, "why" - but I'm not. "WHY!?" Has already taken up too much of my precious time. For some questions there are no answers. Moving forward without regression is my goal.

the 1%

I knew you once..and we had this idea, dream. The 1%. The 1% that was privileged enough to be intelligent, to understand. See my motto for life has been and will continue to be, "intelligence isn't what you know what but you understand". I don't think you understand anything. You are not apart of this privileged 1% - I suppose you never were, you never understood.

Moving on from there to a conversation with you instead of with someone who is obviously in the past and gone.

This mysterious 1% I speak of, the elusive and elitist clique. (I hate cliques, always have. Does this mean that I'm out?) What makes the elusive ones so special? Does the very concept make this society pretentious?

Hey you, the intelligent one. You listen to music with a brain - you are probably college educated, but not necessarily. You are sarcastic and like words. You have some friends and are amazingly close or at distance - not much grey. You feel alienated and awkward *still*, even though those teenage years are far behind....you reek of being in the 1%.

I had forgotten this thought, concept. I got caught up in life as we all do. In all honesty, the last several years have been a blur - some sort of strange combination of super speed and pathetic crawls. A fuzzy blindness, wherein I was in a daze. I realize now that I was just floating from one sleep to the next - avoiding the waking hours.

Do you think there is a mythical portion of society that just "gets it"? Is that a subjective question that applies to each social circle?

We are social beings - fight it as I might. I too, need human interaction.

newbie

So yeah, this my first virgin taking post on this here blog. I suppose an introduction is in order, that is the polite thing to do. Hi, I'm regina. I'm 29 years old. I'm a junior in college, I'm pursuing a BS in Healthcare Management. Although most days I don't know why. In so many ways it's against my nature. The rules and rigidness that go along with that profession is against my artistic and wandering spirit. I am a somewhat single mom. I have 3ish sons. if you are confused right now allow me to explain. I am in a very serious relationship, married practically. I have 2 sons that I birthed and Shaun has one son. I love art and music. I hope you enjoy getting inside of my head....