Saturday, June 11, 2011
i'm drowning. i'm outta control and i'm drowning. nothing is safe, sacred or in my control. i am helpless, useless and worthless.
do you think that this is some sort of pity party? well..it isn't. just a pathetic declaration of emotion atm. I'm just trying to cope. I'm just trying to make it through the days until i can have the solace of sleep.
This early morning isn't so bad. it's quiet, the kids are asleep. My nephew is here right now, the young one. he's asleep in the playpen. Everything is falling apart. I feel like i'm drifting off into space all over again. She keeps coming to me for advice. I listen, offer my thoughts, jokes or mean comments..it's all i know how to do. But I feel my own pain again--i thought i was through with this.
do you think that this is some sort of pity party? well..it isn't. just a pathetic declaration of emotion atm. I'm just trying to cope. I'm just trying to make it through the days until i can have the solace of sleep.
This early morning isn't so bad. it's quiet, the kids are asleep. My nephew is here right now, the young one. he's asleep in the playpen. Everything is falling apart. I feel like i'm drifting off into space all over again. She keeps coming to me for advice. I listen, offer my thoughts, jokes or mean comments..it's all i know how to do. But I feel my own pain again--i thought i was through with this.
Friday, June 3, 2011
i think he's cheating on her, so sad. my heart breaks for her. i know how she feels, losing everything beneath her feet. she's stronger than i am. i love her, i love her like a sister. i wish i could do something. he's belligerent, he cursed at his mother and sped away when the questions began. it's so sad, my heart is breaking.
i need a vacation from all this.
i need a vacation from all this.
angst, cancer, illness, joblessnes
i'm a nerd. yep, it's true. no one knows the music i like. no one understands me. why is that again at 30 years old, i feel like a angsty teenager? i guess it's because there is so much shit going on that i can't control right now. i suppose that most people would let that go.. most people would throw their hands up and exclaim, 'fuck it'.
but for some reason my mind won't let me. I keep running over 'what if' scenarios and the obvious errors i made. well, i'm not going to be perfect. i'm going to be retarded and say things i know i shouldn't. sometimes, the self-control portion of my brain that controls my mouth is apparently broken. i've heard time and time again that forgiveness is for yourself not for the offender..but still i find i can't forgive someone who isn't sorry. i find that this single incident makes me distrust everyone and everything. i question motives and actions or lack of action. i fear my husband will get sick of my twisted mind and throw his hands up with the 'fuck it' exclamation. I mean how much can one man take? He says that there is nothing wrong and i'm crazy..maybe i am. Not 'lock up' crazy, just 'stop it' crazy.
my mother-in-law has cancer. colon cancer. this is her 2nd time battling it. the plague is on her body and it drains her. There is nothing I can do about it. It's eating her alive like some horror movie monster. My husband is in denial, I think. He doesn't want to deal with it.. when i press him he gets angry or he cries. The stages of grief are at work. Her cancer has spread, my mother-in-law. Now the cancer has spread to her belly..selfishly devouring her abdomen like a zombie. There is nothing i can do. I feel helpless. She is suffering, there is nothing I can do. She's on her last treatment options.. radiation and the strongest chemo. Apparently it's non-operable. There is nothing that I can do.
My mom has degenerative disc disease, i knew this. It's now progressed..she now has scoliosis in 2 places. These ailments are progressive. She is having trouble doing simple tasks that involve bending over or even opening a sprite bottle. it scares me, her hands shake. my mommy -- becoming frail and older..not my mommy. my mommy is tough and untouchable. my mommy is invincible. She has heart trouble too, and this adult onset scoliosis can make it worse. gee, great. i can't control it. her heart is weak and her bones are failing her too. not my mommy, she is strong.
the sperm donor of my children (ex-husband) wants to give up his rights to them. he has no rights to them. i have sole custody. he wants to terminate his parental rights forever. it hurt enough to deal with the fact that he didn't love me, but he doesn't love his children. he's getting remarried and they're having a daughter. ick. there's nothing i can do about it. him and his wife claim they are taking to me to court. take me, i guess. there is nothing that i can do about it.
my (older)brother lost his job. he's a an adult with disabilities. A 36 year old man trapped in the mind of a 9 year old. He lost his job at walmart. he asked a coke vendor if he wanted to use his knife and the vendor claims to have felt threatened. so, yeah he lost his job. He's losing his wife..and it's odd. they claim to reunite. i am not as optimistic on the situation as i've lived one before..but they're not me. i can't do anything about it. She's taking their 10 month old son and living with her mother. we've offered to open our house to them all, so they could keep their family together-- albeit, we're packed already, but isn't a home happy with people in it? I can't do anything about it. I would like to roast the nads of this coke vendor though. threatened by a pocket knife? My brother is a big-hearted mistake prone man-child. I by no-means am using this as insult but as a truthful description. I can't say i totally blame his wife and have no anger towards her. Just sadness. My mom has been crying for days.
my heart hurts right now, there is nothing i can do about it.
.........so..yeah. there is nothing i can do about it.
but for some reason my mind won't let me. I keep running over 'what if' scenarios and the obvious errors i made. well, i'm not going to be perfect. i'm going to be retarded and say things i know i shouldn't. sometimes, the self-control portion of my brain that controls my mouth is apparently broken. i've heard time and time again that forgiveness is for yourself not for the offender..but still i find i can't forgive someone who isn't sorry. i find that this single incident makes me distrust everyone and everything. i question motives and actions or lack of action. i fear my husband will get sick of my twisted mind and throw his hands up with the 'fuck it' exclamation. I mean how much can one man take? He says that there is nothing wrong and i'm crazy..maybe i am. Not 'lock up' crazy, just 'stop it' crazy.
my mother-in-law has cancer. colon cancer. this is her 2nd time battling it. the plague is on her body and it drains her. There is nothing I can do about it. It's eating her alive like some horror movie monster. My husband is in denial, I think. He doesn't want to deal with it.. when i press him he gets angry or he cries. The stages of grief are at work. Her cancer has spread, my mother-in-law. Now the cancer has spread to her belly..selfishly devouring her abdomen like a zombie. There is nothing i can do. I feel helpless. She is suffering, there is nothing I can do. She's on her last treatment options.. radiation and the strongest chemo. Apparently it's non-operable. There is nothing that I can do.
My mom has degenerative disc disease, i knew this. It's now progressed..she now has scoliosis in 2 places. These ailments are progressive. She is having trouble doing simple tasks that involve bending over or even opening a sprite bottle. it scares me, her hands shake. my mommy -- becoming frail and older..not my mommy. my mommy is tough and untouchable. my mommy is invincible. She has heart trouble too, and this adult onset scoliosis can make it worse. gee, great. i can't control it. her heart is weak and her bones are failing her too. not my mommy, she is strong.
the sperm donor of my children (ex-husband) wants to give up his rights to them. he has no rights to them. i have sole custody. he wants to terminate his parental rights forever. it hurt enough to deal with the fact that he didn't love me, but he doesn't love his children. he's getting remarried and they're having a daughter. ick. there's nothing i can do about it. him and his wife claim they are taking to me to court. take me, i guess. there is nothing that i can do about it.
my (older)brother lost his job. he's a an adult with disabilities. A 36 year old man trapped in the mind of a 9 year old. He lost his job at walmart. he asked a coke vendor if he wanted to use his knife and the vendor claims to have felt threatened. so, yeah he lost his job. He's losing his wife..and it's odd. they claim to reunite. i am not as optimistic on the situation as i've lived one before..but they're not me. i can't do anything about it. She's taking their 10 month old son and living with her mother. we've offered to open our house to them all, so they could keep their family together-- albeit, we're packed already, but isn't a home happy with people in it? I can't do anything about it. I would like to roast the nads of this coke vendor though. threatened by a pocket knife? My brother is a big-hearted mistake prone man-child. I by no-means am using this as insult but as a truthful description. I can't say i totally blame his wife and have no anger towards her. Just sadness. My mom has been crying for days.
my heart hurts right now, there is nothing i can do about it.
.........so..yeah. there is nothing i can do about it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
well it seems as though i have abandoned this blog. bordeom, lack of interest, fear of pretentiousness...the possibitly that the only the only follower i have is my best friend and no one reads this anyone.. all likely in why i haven't given a shit and bothered to write about anything.
perhaps, i can get my ass in gear and begin again to share some things on this here internet that no one will care about.
perhaps, i can get my ass in gear and begin again to share some things on this here internet that no one will care about.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Dear Shaun,
I have so many thoughts swimming in my mind, I'm not sure where to begin..
I love you.
I wonder if you know how much I love you, how much you mean to me. When we met, I remember telling you that I wasn't sure I wanted a serious relationship. I wasn't sure I was ready. I'll never forget what you said, "Aren't I worth it? Aren't we worth it? Don't you want to know where this can go?" Paralyzed with fear, I agreed to be your girlfriend. I knew then that you are special, and each day has only made that confirmation deeper. I've never met anyone like you, you are simply amazing.
I find a lot of emotional baggage from the past creeps up on me; then boldly hits me and knocks all breath from my body...I wish I could make it stop. I wish there something that I could do to just make it end. It isn't fair, to either of us. Here again, I've learned what a strong and patient man you are. You deal with my trust issues and insecurities with a kindness and love I have never seen. (I am teary just thinking about it). I am confident that one day all of this will behind us and we will be stronger as a partnership for it all.
I miss you, this long distance is difficult. I wish we were together everyday. I've never cried like I do because I miss you. I need you; I need your smile, your loving gaze, your warm embrace. I miss the way you make me laugh. You are a part of me; when you are gone, I'm incomplete until you return. And still, all these words lack the intensity of how I feel. Just as you told me today, "I wish you could see inside me" -- We must be on the same page.
You are my knight in shinning armor, you know the one that all little girls dream of...I never thought you were real. I used to lie bed (in the not so distant past) and wonder if there really was anyone out there for me. Was there a man out there who was waiting for me? What would I have to offer him if I met him? (sometimes I feel so unworthy) Here you are, sweeping me up and caring for me as if I am some precious maiden. You make me feel amazing.
I want to have a baby with you. I want to be your wife. I want to have adventures with you; I want to explore what we can of this world and its offerings together. I know that together, we can accomplish anything.
I love you. I love you for all that you are. I love us.
Forever yours..
I love you.
I wonder if you know how much I love you, how much you mean to me. When we met, I remember telling you that I wasn't sure I wanted a serious relationship. I wasn't sure I was ready. I'll never forget what you said, "Aren't I worth it? Aren't we worth it? Don't you want to know where this can go?" Paralyzed with fear, I agreed to be your girlfriend. I knew then that you are special, and each day has only made that confirmation deeper. I've never met anyone like you, you are simply amazing.
I find a lot of emotional baggage from the past creeps up on me; then boldly hits me and knocks all breath from my body...I wish I could make it stop. I wish there something that I could do to just make it end. It isn't fair, to either of us. Here again, I've learned what a strong and patient man you are. You deal with my trust issues and insecurities with a kindness and love I have never seen. (I am teary just thinking about it). I am confident that one day all of this will behind us and we will be stronger as a partnership for it all.
I miss you, this long distance is difficult. I wish we were together everyday. I've never cried like I do because I miss you. I need you; I need your smile, your loving gaze, your warm embrace. I miss the way you make me laugh. You are a part of me; when you are gone, I'm incomplete until you return. And still, all these words lack the intensity of how I feel. Just as you told me today, "I wish you could see inside me" -- We must be on the same page.
You are my knight in shinning armor, you know the one that all little girls dream of...I never thought you were real. I used to lie bed (in the not so distant past) and wonder if there really was anyone out there for me. Was there a man out there who was waiting for me? What would I have to offer him if I met him? (sometimes I feel so unworthy) Here you are, sweeping me up and caring for me as if I am some precious maiden. You make me feel amazing.
I want to have a baby with you. I want to be your wife. I want to have adventures with you; I want to explore what we can of this world and its offerings together. I know that together, we can accomplish anything.
I love you. I love you for all that you are. I love us.
Forever yours..
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