change

Have you ever known someone that changed? Someone whose character and personality you thought were defined - a done deal? Witnessing a metamorphosis can be life altering and traumatic, with varying factors. I know that it had derailed my life. The return to life as we know it has been a struggle for me. I still have some side effects from witnessing the death of someone I once loved. Mind you, this is just a metaphorical death -- but still painful all the same. Some days I am so pleased to be away from that, some days I am angry and resentful still. Mostly at myself, although I have no idea how I could have prevented it. After all, I am incredibly happy now -- I wouldn't want my life any other way. As I said in the previous blog I feel like I am waking up from sort of daze.

I feel like there are only a few certainties in my life. I have the most wonderful man that I am proud to call my boyfriend. Shaun is amazing. He has been so accepting of all the weird mental stuff I have been going through. He loves me like no one ever has. I love him like I have no one. My Children, my boys. Their bright eyes gazing upon me -- and sometimes I have a clue. Music, music is always there for me - always has been. My first love, most true and dependable confidant. In world where people let you down and disappoint, there is always an album to comfort you.

What about personal change? We all grow and sometimes even shrink inside. This personal transformation is just as traumatizing to those around us, as it is to us when we are the witness. It's nothing to be ashamed of, although some will try to press guilt against our hearts."You've changed", is spat with a disgust in the face of the one who is experiencing the variance. What shall I do? How do I grease the wheels to make the path of least resistance? Does anyone have the key to this rusty lock? I sure as hell would love it.

Renaissance: renewing, reawakening, revival. This is what I feel on the cusp of, a new beginning. And perhaps, a return to the old in some ways. I feel like I am on the edge of a breakthrough. Yet, I don't know how to explain this sensation. Are there no words to express this unusual side effect of growth. I fear to ask this, shall I remain the stagnant state of which I am escaping? I find the answer obvious and quite easy, a resounding 'NO' is in order.

so here I am, just another amongst the rest of you - the disillusioned masses. A former battered wife, a domestic abuse survivor, just trying to reclaim myself. I'm just trying to find who I am, where I am going. Maybe I should be more focused on the, "why" - but I'm not. "WHY!?" Has already taken up too much of my precious time. For some questions there are no answers. Moving forward without regression is my goal.